


Guarded Smiles- And Then There's Brendon

by whatfandom



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 23:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2365226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatfandom/pseuds/whatfandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan learns to smile again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guarded Smiles- And Then There's Brendon

If home is where the heart is, Ryan was totally screwed. He didn't have a home, he supposed. Home definitely wasn’t where he got his mail and slept sometimes- that's where his father was. Home wasn't at school, he hated school and never felt safe there. He guessed the closest he came to home was Spencer, or maybe his guitar. But Spencer had a home already that wasn't with him. He had a mom and a dad and sisters that loved him. 

Ryan had always just had himself. 

That's why when a bouncy, lanky kid with brown hair and red, ridiculous glasses tried out to be in his band with Spencer and Brent,  he kind of lost his breath. 

He started out with terrible (okay, they weren’t actually  that  bad) impressions and continued to play any and all instruments they had lying around in Spencer's grandma's basement. 

This guy, who introduced himself as Brendon, was totally weird. 

"You're in," Ryan said, before anyone had the chance to interject. Ryan wanted this kid in the band. He wanted to get to know him better. 

Brendon bounced on his toes and ran up to him and he- Brendon, was hugging Ryan. It was totally weird. Ryan was caught off guard (not that he ever let his guard down). Ryan was rigid as he gently pat Brendon’s shoulder in a ‘there, there. Now, get off of me’ sort of way. Brendon pulled away and smiled at him, this unguarded, happy smile. The kind Ryan never gave anymore. He couldn’t remember the last time he smiled just to smile, just like Brendon was smiling at him right now. Ryan liked that smile a lot, it was too bad Ryan couldn’t smile like that. Ryan smiled back, guarded and untrusting, but it wasn’t his fault. He tried and he couldn’t. 

A year of knowing Brendon, Ryan still couldn’t understand how he could do it. How Brendon could just  smile  and let himself love and be loved. Most of the time. Brendon had managed to get inside of Ryan’s head, had managed to organize some stuff- not most, and definitely not all, but it meant everything that Brendon was trying to fix him, even if Ryan knew he couldn’t. 

But sometimes Ryan would catch himself smiling at Brendon, big and wide, not open (not yet), but it meant everything to Brendon that Ryan could smile again. 

Two years and Ryan would let Brendon kiss him on stage, a prank- just to mess with the straight guys in the audience. Ryan knew that. 

Three years and his father’s funeral later,Ryan still didn’t know how Brendon smiled. Smiled at everything and nothing. How he could still call his mother on her birthday- Ryan stopped doing that when he realized she didn't care and never would (except she did now because he had money and she had three kids). 

Sometimes, just sometimes, Ryan would catch himself. He caught himself smiling at Brendon like he wasn't allowed to. Ryan liked looking at Brendon like he wasn't supposed to, watching as Brendon got out of the shower or changed his shirt or as he simply sang into the microphone on stage. Brendon always looked so sexual when he sang, or played the piano or the guitar. Ryan wasn't allowed to look at his best friend like that, but he did anyways. 

Three and a half years of knowing Brendon, Ryan  was  allowed to look at Brendon, kiss him, and anything that Ryan could have dreamed for. 

The next time Ryan looked at Brendon like he was allowed to now, Brendon was already smiling at him. For once, Ryan knew exactly what home felt like. 


End file.
